I went to watch Derren Brown and he picked on me.
So basically I am a huge Derren Brown fan, and I think I have literally watched everything he has ever recorded. I saw him around this time last year, and I blogged about that show at the time. Well last September he announced a new tour, Svengali, and I managed to get me, Lou and her Mumma front row seats. Amaze. Obviously when you book things so far in advance you just never think you’ll live to see the day, but that day… was yesterday.
If you are going to see Svengali please don’t read this, I won’t be giving anything substantial away, but still, do yourself a favour.
Anyway, we headed to our seats once getting into the theatre, and then reality just hit… we were RIGHT at the front. I’ve never even sat in stalls for anything before let alone have the best seat in the house. Lou’s Mum requested to swap seats with me, as she felt too vulnerable being on the end AND being on the front row, haha. About 10 minutes before show time, Dezza announced via the PA that he wanted 150 people to grab paper from the stewards, and to write down an embarrassing moment or confession. Me and Lou got some paper, and wrote down our confessions, folded the paper into quarters and popped it back into the stewards paper basket. We then watched the stewards tip the paper into a glass bowl which was sitting on the stage. After we’d taken part in this, me and Lou suddenly felt very nervous, and very vulnerable!
Anyway, Dez came on, looking fabulous as always in his tails, and he made a young man further along the front row pick a piece of paper out of this glass bowl, put it in an envelope and ‘look after’ for a while. Derren proceeded to give us some background chatter on his show etc, and scouted the audience saying it’s easy to guess just from looking at someone what they do for a living. He looked at one bloke and said ‘You look like a teacher’… and then his attention turned to the front row where he said ‘And this gentleman here looks like a male boxer’. I turned to Lou and said ‘I swear to God he’s looking at you’… to which Derren Brown responded ‘My apologies Madame, it’s very dark in here’. haha! I think there and then Lou could have died a happy girl.
Anyway, the first half went on, and it was fabulous. Then Dezza’s attention turned back to this piece of paper the young fellow was looking after. He instructed this guy to open the envelope, and read to himself what the confession was. Then, in his own words, the guy had to come onto the stage and say what the confession was. Derren instructed that, whoever’s confession it was, had to remain calm and not give themselves away, similarly with the people sitting around them. He got up on stage, and said:
‘This person once whilst on a driving lesson, went to grab the gear stick, but instead ended up grabbing with the driving instructors cock’
The audience and Derren laughed quite substantially…except for me. Because, dear blog readers, that confession… WAS MINE. I had my hand covering my mouth, and I felt a massive ‘OH SHIT’ smile creep across my face. I whispered to Lou ‘Oh fuck…oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck’. You literally had no idea what was going through my head.
Every single person in the auditorium (2,099 to be exact) had to stand up, and by process of elimination, Derren made his way closer and closer to finding me. He eliminated males… then anyone over 30… anyone over 25… anyone under the age of 18… which eventually left a handful of girls, including Lou, standing. Next thing I knew, there was a camera in our faces, showing our mugs on the big screen to the entire auditorium. He then asked each of us ‘Repeat after me… I did not touch my driving instructors cock’. He asked a lot of the girls to sit down, and of course when it came up to me, I fluffed up my words! Eventually, it was just me and Lou stood up in the ENTIRE place. Derren gave us a microphone, and he lay into Lou. He was speaking SO frantically and SO fast to her ‘Did you do it… did you touch the driving instructors cock… was it you… did you honestly not do it? Are you sure it wasn’t you’… to which she was frantically replying ‘It wasn’t me, I didn’t do it, I really didn’t do it’. Then it was my turn, my face on the massive screen declaring that it wasn’t me, it was Lou! hahahaha. THEN, Dez got Lou’s Mum involved! hahaha, to which we burst out laughing. We sorta gave ourselves away then, as Dez said ‘There’s something going on between these three’. After some questioning of Roberta, she was allowed to sit down, leaving me and Lou again. Lou was told to sit… leaving me stood up infront of everybody. It was a really frantic, mad few minutes. Derren was shining a torch in my face, and said ‘Lucy (I’d told him my name by this point)…did you, or did you not, touch your driving instructors cock on a driving lesson when reaching for the gear stick?’… to which I simply reply ‘I did’. The crowd went mad, Dez thanked me, told me to go for a drink and that it was now time for the interval. Words just cannot describe how we felt. It was just fantastic, I don’t really get starstruck or really in awe of someone but I truly felt that last night. I just couldn’t believe it had happened to us, and I love the fact that all three of us got a bit of Derren.
Me and Lou headed out at the interval, where we got a LOT of attention from the crowd. I actually felt famous for 5 minutes. I felt EVERYONE stare at us, and one bloke said to me ‘You come for a squeeze?’… a few other people asked me where the gear stick was, and some just chose to shout ‘GEAR STICK’ at me. A group of lads at the bar asked me if I was an actor or stooge, whether Derren had placed me there. It was pretty awesome.
Lou had to read out something from a piece of paper in the second half (I don’t want to give anything else away)… but between us, we had the most fantastic experience ever. Being on the front row… being so close to him… having him run around literally infront of us on the floor and of course, being part of one of his tricks, was just more than I could have asked for. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since, and I will never EVER forget it. It makes me sad to know it’ll never happen again.
And by the way, they made my confession sound A LOT worse than it actually was… my hand just flinged back off the gear stick and brushed his crotch area… I think they made it out to sound like I’d molested him!
I’m going to sign off here and carry on smiling to myself and gushing to Lou via text. :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D
